Kristi (maigraith) wrote in lunaic_hptheory,

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The cats speaketh...

Hullo? Has everyone died? *sniff* I didn't think my breath was that bad, or else I would have brushed my teeth more than twice a month...

But I must relay important news to ye HP fans and fanatics - my cats, who are currently resting contently on their thrones (er, my bed, actually) hath spoken the truest truth: SNAPE IS A #$&^#$*&^ VAMPIRE!!!

-continued reference to his "bat-like" dark cloak, the way he "swoops" as he walks
-physical description: sallow skin, almost as if he didn't GO IN THE SUN MUCH!!
-Quirrell calling Snape "that overgrown bat" at the end of Bk 1
-after Snape assigns a werewolf essay, Lupin assigns a vampire essay (and if werewolves weren't on a third year syllabus, then WHY WERE VAMPIRES?)
-Lupin makes sure to mention his vampire essay IN FRONT OF SNAPE
-Snape has a happy tendency of wandering around during the night in all 5 books
-he likes being in the COOL, DARK, underground dungeons
-he wears black - come on guys, he freakin' dresses like one
-he can read people's minds...
-when Harry first enters Snape's office for Occumency lessons, he DOESN'T SEE SNAPE HIDING IN THE CORNER!
-in Snape's memory, Snape is a teenager shooting down flies in a dark room - which means HE CAN SEE IN THE DARK!
-at the end of Bk3, upon discovering Lupin is a werewolf, the Gryffindors fantasize that maybe they'll get a vampire for a teacher next - OR MAYBE THEY ALREADY HAVE ONE!
-when Harry finds a deranged Crouch Sr. during Bk4, runs to get Dumbledore, and then wonders if Snape had something to do with Crouch's disappearance, Ron jokes "unless he can turn into a bat and fly down, he couldn't have beat you back to the forest" - and we all know that every time Ron jokes IT COMES TRUE!!
-lastly, when Snape makes Harry empty his pockets during Bk 3 when Harry's head was seen by Draco in Hogsmeade, he is actually searching for blood flavored lollipops! Come on, it just makes sense - why else would he be so interested in Harry's candy, IT WAS BLOOD LUST!! BWAH, HA, HA!!! This is also why Lupin was so keen on getting Harry out of Snape's office - he wanted to save the boy from ALMOST CERTAIN PERIL!!

Behold, the cats hath spoken! Heed ye well these words thine... Or prepare to was going to say clawed to death but my cats are declawed - ha, it will just make your deaths even slower ye mortal fools! Imagine being clawed to death by something without claws! Oh, the agony, the many months of ticklish torment and wailing anguish!

Learn ye well mine words, fools! *hums merrily*

*whispers* the snorback crumpet, it follows me everywhere, it licks my earwax when i'm asleep, IT WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! *runs off screaming*
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